September 4, 2025

Going through IVF is hard enough as it is without having people say stupid things to you. I know that 99% of the time, people are just trying to be nice and don’t know the right thing to say.

Also, this isn’t personal, so if I mention something you personally have said to me, know this:

1. You weren’t the only one.
2. I didn’t take it personally or hold it against you.

Just use this guide as a learning experience to better support people who are going through this in the future.

And if you’re reading this as someone in the fertility trenches — just know, I see you. You can share this post when people say things that sting. It’s not fair that you have to educate while you’re already carrying so much, but it’s better to give people the tools than to suffer in silence. IVF is already too hard. You deserve support you can rely on.

Things Not to Say (and Why)

“Just relax, it’ll happen.”
Relaxation doesn’t cure blocked tubes or low ovarian reserve. This one minimizes the very real medical struggle of infertility.

“At least you know you can get pregnant.”
Many IVF cycles don’t end in pregnancy, and this statement reduces the grief of failed cycles or losses.

“Have you tried… [insert diet, supplement, essential oil, yoga class, or vacation]?”
IVF isn’t a lifestyle tweak; it’s a medical treatment. People going through it have probably already tried all the things.

“So… did it work?” (right after the TWW)
The two-week wait is one of the most emotionally exhausting parts of IVF. Asking immediately can feel like pressure — especially if the answer is no. If they want to share, they will. Let them lead.

“My cousin’s friend’s neighbor did IVF and now has twins!”
Every story is different. Anecdotes can feel like pressure or false hope.

“Why don’t you just adopt?”
Adoption is beautiful, but it isn’t “just.” It’s an entirely separate journey with its own costs, challenges, and heartbreaks.

What You Can Say Instead

“I don’t know exactly what you’re going through, but I’m here.”
Simple and supportive. You don’t have to fix it.

“That sounds so hard. How can I support you right now?”
Leaves space for the person to share what they actually need.

“I’m thinking of you today. No need to reply.”
A text like this can mean the world — and takes the pressure off them to respond.

“Would it help if I brought you a meal / drove you to an appointment / sat with you during a shot night?”
Concrete offers are more helpful than vague “let me know if you need anything.”

“You don’t owe me details, but I care.”
Acknowledges boundaries and respects their privacy.

✨ IVF parents are already carrying enough — physical exhaustion, emotional rollercoasters, financial strain. The least we can do for each other is learn how to support without adding extra weight.

If you’ve said one of the “don’ts,” don’t beat yourself up. We’ve all stumbled. What matters is adjusting, learning, and showing up better next time.